One that the boys should take note of ........



A donkey and a chicken are out in the field when the donkey falls down a hole.
The chicken races over and jumps into the farmers BMW ties a rope to the front and pulls him out.
Next week there out in the field again and the chicken falls down the hole !
He tells the donkey to run and get the BMW but instead the donkey walks over to the hole and drops his cock in.


Moral of the story - When your hung like a donket you don't need a BMW to pull a chick.

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."

lol dk, nice

heh

rofl nice one dk

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!!!"

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.



Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began
pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.



Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the
pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG
mistake!!!!!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.





Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got
to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.



Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'



My smirking of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

that was awesome

hahahaha. "the true meaning of shock and awe."

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off
the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the
interior light brightly glowing. When he carefully
approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man
behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing
her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to
the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the
trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her
fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone,
in a car, at night in a lover's lane . ... And nothing
obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18
in 11 minutes...'

:)

heh :)

There were three third-graders from Tennessee: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, who were all on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game.



"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.


"Okay." They all ag ree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called, 'Let's see who has the largest weenie'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--- if at all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument
when you realize you're wrong.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told
you how the Person died.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work

when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the
rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
Blue Ray? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper
that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and
then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to

answer when they call.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite
than Kay.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm
trying to finish
a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I
hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not
know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail
on the Donkey -
but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time!

very nice petroman now here is mine and lottie contibution http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2010/05/13/the-geek-alphabet/

This is hilarious!!!

Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!


A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special..

suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,



'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,



'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'



The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'

Not a joke really...but funny anyway :p even if you've seen it before!

I'd just come out of a supermarket with a bucket of fried chicken, French fries, ice cream, large chips, and a 12-pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat there and said: 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him: 'I wish I had your fucking will power.'

A guy is driving around the back woods of Lubbock, Texas, he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit

This one comes from CatWomen

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie'
with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send
him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to
report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he
shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called
out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are
shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars
Bar'.

lmao great one

indeed

Star wars qoutes with the word pants instead

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up. Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie. I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it). Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

man, DK.. the end was lame, i dislike star wars, i was really hoping for some better ending... makes me frown :(

that is SO true i love it!!!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.



Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."



"Very good," said the teacher.



Little Jenny was next:



"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."



"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.



The teacher held her breath ...



Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.



"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"



"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.



"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"



"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."



They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"



Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"



"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

Grand dad was reminiscing about the good old days..........



"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many fuckin' security cameras."

Neither of those last two are even remotely xXx rated

the other joke thread is where you put the xxx stuff in

i didnt even know the xXx meant for it to be XXX :)

confusion alert!!

A woman went to the doctor to get her pussy checked for cancer one day after hearing from a friend its something all women should do when they grow older.

The doctor goes down there to check it out, and after a while he pops back up: "It's not cancer..."
The lady looks at him puzzled: "What is it then?"
The doctor: "It's a mole."
Lady: "Can it be removed?"
Doctor: "No.. sorry, it can't.."
Lady: "...!"
Doctor: ".. But i can make a hole on the other side so you can button it up."

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

My coffee shop in Tokyo has had very few customers in the past 2 months but it's ok now though, people have started to drift in.

oh man, TOO SOON :P

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Sue.
Sue WHo?
SUE NAMIIIII!

What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
"WAVE!"

This week is Japan hygiene week. Hundreds will be washing up on the beach.

The Sydney Bondi Surf Classic has had its results declared null and void after it was unexpectadly won by a japanese man on a wardrobe

The French have released a new type of Cheese for the Japanese Market, it's called 'De Brie'

ahahahah, Richard, I love you <3

Love at first site Amon? :P

Love you too Amon. :-p

I'm on holiday in Japan at the moment, didn't realise there were so many Newcastle fans here.

Loads of them just running about screaming "Toon Army".

lol

this is wa



yeah TOO SOOOOONNNNNAAAAMIIIIII

Well I thought I would avoids a cheap joke today at Japan expense (it is awful over there). Also to ensure that there are no TOO SOON jokes I'm heading into History as well and wondering what if World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy would be standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

I like it :D And extraordinarily accurate from an historical point of view.

i will then

The problem for the Japanese was that they could see how wide the wave was, but not how high...

i will then

The problem for the Japanese was that they could see how wide the wave was, but not how high...

i have just been dumped by my japanese girlfriend....
but hey plenty more in the sea

lol

BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN

The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...

authorities in japan have released the names of some of the dead, they are flo ting, sin king, drow ning, scree ming, dun king and gurg ling

Wow, would have liked to see the reaction if I made jokes on september 12th or something.

And we did. It was awesome.

The Japanese might be feeling down, but they sure do look radiant.

lol

McDonald's are selling a new burger to help raise money for the victims of the disaster in Japan.

Its called "The Fukushima Burger" - and it cooks itself in just 30 seconds.

not funny cause everyone knows mcdonalds burgers are already nuked

I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.

That must have been one powerful distress flare.

lol

Coalition aircraft enforcing the no-fly zone have so far destroyed 144 Libyan tanks, thus ensuring they can't be flown.

Do you do jokes that do not feed on human misery Richard? War & natural catastrophies seem to feed you alot of jokes so far :P

I like to go with current events so I blame the news channels for feeding on human misery. Its a case of laugh or cry at what they show on the news, so I try to find the funny.

....After both suffering with depression, me & my wife decided to commit
suicide yesterday...
but strangely enough after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot
better and thought, fuck it!
I'll try to make a go of it ...

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the
difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."


Yes its a little poor but its the best I could come up with today

You didnt come up with that, it was on Sickipedia!

Your right only joke I could find that day that was any good. And Sickipedia is a good source every now and again.

lol had to read it twice to get it doh, haha loved it though

i dont get it at all...

What do their answers put together sound like?
Press quote on this post for the answer if you're still puzzled.

"Yes we see ya"

It's clever, but not funny.

Super man is flying across metropolis looking for trouble and he spots wonder woman lying naked across the top of a building. He flies past and thinks ''i have super speed, i could just fly down there and give it to her real good before she knows whats hit her'' and surely he does. Wonder woman notices something and shouts '' what the fuck just happend?'' and the invisible man replies ''i dont know but my ars is fucking killing me''

old :( and much better as comic.

When life gives you lemons you make lemonade. when life gives you crap you make fertilizer, but when life gives you penis you ask a woman to make you an sandwich

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth..”
Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested.. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.”
Old Snake River Frank, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.

Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hu gg ed him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on.... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little
'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.


Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just
water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for
such yummy tea, my mom came home.


My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it
up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?"

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.

The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are unable to think this one through.



Here it is:


At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing...


What are they both thinking?












































Don't look down.

A man whispers to a woman at the bar,
"I'd love to fill ur fanny with stella & then drink it all"

The woman runs over to her husband and tells him,
"Arent you going 2 kick the shit out of him?" she asks

"Nah" he says, "I'm not fighting any fucker that can drink that much stella"

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH! ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ' How did it go? ' The first mutters, ' It was
Embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. '

The second dwarf shook his head. ' You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

COPPER WIRE
>
> After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
> traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
> their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
>
> Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
> archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
> published in the New York Times:
> "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,
> have concluded that their
> ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
> years earlier than the British".
>
> One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Northern
> Canada reported the following:
> "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario
> region of Thunder Bay
> Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
> absolutely fuck all.
> Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already
> gone wireless."
>
> Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, don't it!

:D

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

I hadto read that twice. but.. ouh well..

The Northerner's son graduated from college and was offered a good job, but it was in the Deep South . Dad worried about his son going off to such a strange land. He warned him to avoid entanglements with southern women. "They can't cook the kind of food we northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean, they don't like sex, and if you marry one she'll call you a Damn Yankee the rest of your life."

After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he was in love with her. Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and their shortcomings.

After another couple of months, the son called Dad and told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.

Two more months go by and son telephones Dad......

"Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook, keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves sex."

Dad responded, "Well,what about the fourth thing - her calling you a Yankee?"

"Oh, we reached an agreement on that. She won't call me a Yankee, and I won't call her a nigger."

heh

God you must miss me Amon

amon is a big lush

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
Of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
About, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
Been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
Go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

hahaha good one

The Joke of the round was the coincidental "maintenance" time to the ND webby and the server, unfucking-believable we go to war with App and half the bluddy universe, and ND web goes offline for near on 12 hours!

That has to be the worst joke ever!

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for

joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started

jumping up and down along with her.


She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she

was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier

for you!'



Then she said, 'There's more'


I asked, What do you mean there's more.


She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'


Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

(You're going to love this!)


'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a

TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.

Got a e-mail back from the London 2012 committee today, I was unsuccessful in getting tickets for the mens 100m final.

But on the plus side, I got 25000 free tickets to see West Ham vs Doncaster

sounds like a UK only joke. -1

Yeah that one would be

.... w. .... t ..... f?

hahahaha i like this richard

The Japanese government have thanked britian for the rescue dogs they sent out.....

They said they were delicious!

A pirate walked into a Pub and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."



"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."



"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"Well, it was my first day with the hook."

lol, nice one

LOL

BBC News: England Women not expected to win the World Cup

Oh well, back to the chopping board

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

hahahaha brilliant

:D

k - didnt get it..

Victoria Beckham gave birth to the Beckham's first daughter today weighing just 5lb 2 oz.

The weight of the baby is yet to be announced.

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and..... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep...

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening .. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and..... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep...

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening .. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

sounds like me

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

:D +1

My GF did not like that Richard1066 :D +1

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving in a car, when they get pulled over. The officer asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg answers, "No, but I can tell you exactly where I was." The officer thinks this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk. He asks "Do you know there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger replies, "Well, I do now."

?????

Petroman doesn't know about Schrödinger's cat? :p

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrödinger's_cat

Funny joke :)

basic quantum theory

basically is physically impossible to read the quantum orientation of a particle without destroying the information which also makes that information useless

uncertainty principal just means its impossible to measure at 100% accuracy both the position and Vector (direction and magnitude) of an object at the same time. if you know 100% the position of an object you cannot determine the vector at all, and if you know 100% the vector you have no way at all to measure the position.

so if you put a cat in a box with poison gas, quantum theory states that the cat is simultaneously 100% alive and 100% dead and every state in-between at the same exact time but, quantum theory only applies on the quantum level, the level that atoms exist on, there's a bunch of math that i don't really understand that can prove that. It doesn't really make much sense to us because at the level we view the world an entirely different set of physics exists, Newtonian physics, if you can somehow mathematically link Newtonian physics and quantum physics you can earn yourself a Nobel prize in physics :P

this is a joke thread. and so you know that theory is wrong.

string theory ftw.

string theory is so old school. m-theory will rule!

I thought they disproved string theory

Rupert Murdoch has said he is touched by some of the messages people have left on Amy's phone..

lol

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are starting a new sit-com.

Two and a Half Grams

greatest joke of all



Creationism

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."





Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.


Scientists and God

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.

God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!"

hahaha love it

Ovulation versus cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

lol

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, Um ......."That would be my wife."

w.t.f.

what u never saw the vid of u talking politics?

which one, the one kenny made?

How do you starve an Obama supporter??
It's really very simple,
just hide their food stamps under their work shoes.

Yes, those damn poor people, they are just so... poor and stuff. It's disgusting frankly.

Subject: BAD NEWS for Seniors

To help save the US economy, Obama will announce that he is ordering
the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of
illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back
home!

I started crying when I thought of you. See you on the bus.

The other way

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar
and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters,and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's
shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty
of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that
may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What
suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street," he replies.
This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"

He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this
but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

> A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds
of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes
through three phases. In her 20s, her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In
her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,
they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them & they make you cry."This
infuriated his wife & daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many kinds of
'willies' are there?" The mother smiles & answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty &
hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50,
it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up &
the balls are just for decoration.

hahaha, how old are you again bull? LOOOOL^^

his heartattack-old

he's*

joke of the day HCs

Pioneer of Apple dies.

RIP Granny Smith.

The teacher asks a pretty female student:

"Name three plays by Shakespeare."

"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmjm2ol1O6c

cow and mysteries

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU1-IkUZICI&feature=relatedYour text to link here...

In keeping with the holiday spirit.....






A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late.
"Sorry I'm late, teacher," he said, "but I didn't get my f**king breakfast."
"Johnny, we don't use language like that in school!" said his teacher. "Go stand in the corner!"
She then continued the geography lesson.
"Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?" she asked.
No hand went up except Little Johnny's.
The teacher ignored him and asked again.
Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny.
"He's in bed with my Mom," he replied, "and that's why I didn't get any f**king breakfast!"

A very rich king decided to give his daughter and his kingdom to a guy who would bring to him the most precious ping-pong balls.

Indeed, some days later a guy brings a pair of golden balls, while another brought a pair of diamond ones and a third brought a ping-pong ball made of a very rare mineral found only in a remote part of the Amazon jungle.

The king was ready to issue his decision, when suddenly someone brave, holding a pair of watermelon-shaped black things, shows up screaming "Hold it, I brought them..."

The king says "But, these are not ping-pong balls".

The man got startled and says, "Ping Pong? Shit !
I heard King Kong"

teacher says to class: "theres three pigeons on the roof the farmer shoots one...how many are left?"

Little Johnny : "None Miss"

Teacher : "thats not right can you explain?"

Little Johnny: "Yes miss, he shot one and the bang from the gun would scare the other two away."

Teacher said "Not the answer I was looking for Johny, but I like your way of thinking.

Johnny says " Ive got one for you miss...Three women eating ice cream one's slurping, ones licking and ones sucking...which one is married?"

Teacher in a bemused guess says "the one sucking?"

Johnny says "no, the one wearing the wedding ring but I like your way of thinking"

THE ELEVATOR Inbox

To: Randy 4:52pm

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

Randy Means randy.means@cox.net

Marriage Counseling Inbox

To: Randy 10:54pm

Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched-with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

Randy Means randy.means@cox.net

I have a riddle; its a hard one and takes some math insight. (btw i hope i translate this correctly)

Where on earth can you: walk 10km north than 10km east than 10km south and end up on the exact same spot?

explanation will be below, but try this one first :)






































answer:
the place where you start and end up is the same place. this place is multiple places at once.
this place is the circle around the earth that is exactly 10km south of the circle around the magnetic north which has a 10km perimiter. (Pi*diameter or 2*Pi*radius)

pick a place on the first circle:
walk 10km north (north and south are determined by the poles (magnetic and/or geographical)), after you have done this you end op on the 2nd circle. walk 10km east (east is ALWAYS east, where ever you are on earth) and end up on the same spot where you started to walk east. if you now walk 10km south you'll end up the exact same spot you started at.

:)

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday... minding my own business,
waiting for it to turn green... when a carload of young loud Muslims shouting anti - American slogans stopped next to me.


The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver..

hahahahahahahahahahaha it took me like .1 seconds to literally lol at that

Teens have theirs (for example, LOL OMG, BFF, etc.) so here are some
for seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again


HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where're the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Ah yes, finally us youngsters can understand you people!

A Chinese guy goes to a Jewish merchant to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish guy, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish guy tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jewish guy's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish merchant is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "....Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you guys for $200.00 each."

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?

Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.

So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'


Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .... You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

haha. did not see that coming. lol

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R !

We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"



With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...







"CELEBRATE !!!"

If you had a donkey, and I had a rooster... and your donkey ate both of my roosters feet... What would you have then???...


You would have two feet of my cock in your ass

Your text to link here...

not really a joke but funny imo

not opening if its funny in your opinion. Prob not funny. Dont open. Prob MM naked

Why didn’t I think of this?

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

haha. nice punchline petro^^

wife is baking a pie

fellow comes home, she says you want a piece?

he walks into the kitchen

she says honey put your pants back on i made pie

:P

Type your name: David

Type your name with only your left hand: David

Type your name with your elbow: sdazvgf jd

Type your name with your chin: sdzasvbuisd

Repeatedly smash your face on the keyboard: Before you, bella, my life was like a moonless night very dark, but there was stars- points of light and reason... and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy,there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horiozon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

Women Think of Everything



An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. ---To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as though there were no tomorrow…..



Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said,


'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.

And you know men won't ask for directions'

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.


President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , he? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

tards

i looked at our position in the top alliances today and thought that must have been a joke.

that good huh?

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “Well …… from the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law.”

rofl

lol

Medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS is arriving home really late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: "your next Chubby"
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

BOTH RESULT IN DEATH.

Subject: Cosmetic Surgery


A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that
she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years
they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret
and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed
beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because
you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time
ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "it would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.

lol bull =)

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT AN ERECTION,

I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH HANDS.


BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT

10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.


BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT

20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.


I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT BIRTHDAY, AND I CAN BEND IT

IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."


"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"


"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING


HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?

lawl ^^

lmfao

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?


A Baboom !

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

I was in a London pub on a saturday night. Had a few drinks ! I noticed two very large women by the bar . They both had strong accents, so i asked, " Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?".
One of the turned to me and screamed, " Its WALES, you IDIOT!"
So i immediately apologised, and said, "Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?"


That's all i remember!

Someone said the other day 'Life could'nt get any worse'
I replyed; 'you could be an Egg'

Get Smashed once

Get Layed once

And the only bird to sit on your face is your mum

orgot my glasses ......

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 68 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes? "

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier .

lol

sounds like what Bigfoot did......................

lol :D

hahaha.

Your laugh to start off 2013.


















There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...



A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.


From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.



She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.



Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.


As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.



"Hi Darling", he says,


"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.



Did you say "hello"?

The other day i saw a sexy thai chick on the subway and as i was looking at her all i could think was, "Please dont get an erection! Please dont get an erection!!" But she did....

>>Same Sex marriage
>>
>>
>>Norman and Barry got married in California.
>>
>>They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman 's Mom and Dad's
>>house for their first married night together.
>>
>>In the morning, Johnny, Norman 's little brother, gets up and has his
>>breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,
>>he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
>>
>>Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
>>His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
>>
>>Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up
yet?'
>>She replies, 'No.'
>>
>>Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
>>His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
>>school '
>>
>>After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up
>>yet?'
>>His mom says, 'No.'
>>
>>He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
>>
>>
>>
>>His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
>>
>> He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the
>>Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'

hehhehheee..... LOL

hips Cla T1 T2 T3 Base (i) Alpha (i) Beta (i) Gamma (i) TOTAL
Vsharrak FI CO FI -- 1 0 0 0 1
Pulsar FI FR -- -- 0 0 0 0 0
Arrowhead CO DE -- -- 0 0 0 0 0
Bolt Thrower FR BS -- -- 0 0 0 0 0
Fireblade DE CO -- -- 5,501 0 5,500 0 11,001
Ghost DE CR BS -- 5,000 0 5,000 0 10,000
Illusion FI RO RO RO 1,552 249 0 0 1,801
Vampyre DE RO RO RO 249 1 250 0 500

Total Visible Ships 1,801 250 250 0
Total Ships in Fleet 12,303 250 10,750 0
Mission: Attack Attack
Target: 6:4:6 6:4:6
Launch Tick: 139 140
ETA: 6
Arrival: 149
Return ETA: 5 Ticks
Recall Fleet 7
Arrival: 150
Return ETA: 4 Ticks
Recall Fleet

fffuuuuuu

jesus

i don't get the joke :P

i think its his fleet?

best joke eva

laugh it up guys, get it out of your system. fags

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went
in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read:

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana ."

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.

It was Holiday Entertainment Night at the
senior citizens'center.
After the community sang Jingle Bells, led by Alice at the piano,
it was time for the star of the Show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful, antique, gold, pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude,
holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very
special and valuable watch
that's been in my family for six generations," Claude reported.

He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth,while
quietly chanting,


"Watch the watch. . .
Watch the watch. . .
Watch the watch.. ."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they reflected on its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements
of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly. . . The Chain Broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

Then Claudeshouted,
"SHIT !"

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center...
..and Claude was never invited to entertain there again!

LOL

haha, nice one.

Tetanus Shot!!






This is for you old folks, anyone over 50 is eligible!






An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.




His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'




He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'




She says, 'Why, are you sick?'




He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'




Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.




He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?




She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'




He says, 'Why, what do you need?'




She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,




I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home to her husband one night after a girls evening. The following day she explains to her husband that she spent the night at a friend's place. The husband, suspicious, calls up 10 of his wife's best friends and none of them had heard anything about it.


Friendship between men:

A guy didn't come home to his wife one night after a guys evening. The following day he explains to his wife that he spent the night at a friend's place. 8 of his friends claimed he had stayed there and 2 of them proposed he was still there.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.


Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN....



Damn those Brits are smart !!

he....he....he?

lol

Racists jokes are not racist as long as their funny.. this one.. Not so much

Do you know the difference between Batman and a Black Man?





























Batman can go to the store without Robin....

rofl

see, Motti gets it :P